Sunday, August 9, 2009

Getting out of my own way

I pray weird. I pray every morning while I am taking a shower.There are a couple of reasons for this. One, I take a shower first thing in the morning, and two, it’s a place where I know I won’t be disturbed for some time. My first prayer usually goes something like this: “God, I probably messed up something yesterday, let’s try this again today, shall we? And I promise to try harder to get things right today.” My second prayer is to pray for everyone that I know needs to be prayed for, and my third prayer is to open myself up to let Him work through me whatever way He sees best.Sometimes, I end up being late for work because I spend too much time in the shower JAbout 2 weeks ago, I started writing an article called “I am Catholic.” I only intended it to be a one-blog piece about how I came to join the Catholic Church. But as I wrote it, It seemed to take on a life of its own and ended up being 3 blogs long.After I finished the first part of the article and posted it, I was asked if I would mind if it was included in our church bulletin the following Sunday (tomorrow). I said yes with no hesitation. Half of the reason I write is because I hope it can help someone who struggles with the same issues that I do, besides helping me to think out loud.But as I started writing the second part, I had to include some subjects to show how I got to where I did spiritually. There were other things that were happening before and after the time that my nephew lived with us, not of my own doing, just circumstances in other’s lives that had a profound impact on me. I don’t know if it was the subject matter of the second part, but I started to feel really uncomfortable with my decision to let my story be published. Saying I was uncomfortable is putting it mildly…. I’ve been so worked up that my stomach has been in knots for days. I know I have been driving a few of my friend’s nuts with my insecurities. I didn’t write anything horrid, or untrue, but I haven’t been able to put my finger on just why it’s upset me so much. Maybe it’s just the dredging up of unpleasant memories that I’d rather not think about. I thought of asking that it not be included in the bulletin, and then just deleting the blogs and forgetting that I ever wrote it. But that wasn’t right. Everyone kept reassuring me the article was good and that they thought it would help a lot of people. This didn’t console me much. I don’t know what it was, and maybe I will never know.Regardless of the reason, the time has come to let go of what happened in the past. And maybe writing is a way for me to work through this.Before February of this year, I never wrote, I never felt a need to. I have a blog on Livejournal that I’ve kept for many years, but I’d just assume no one read it :)But since this past February, writing is all that I seem to want to do. It’s like something takes over my hands, and the words form themselves. It’s like it’s all bottled up inside of me, and I can’t rest until it’s wrote down. Jim and I went to the liturgy this evening. We sat in the back of the church. I opened the bulletin, and the entire article was there. I took it out, and put it aside. I was glad it was there in its entirety instead of three parts, better to get my agony done and over with instead of dragging it out over the next few weeks. About halfway through the liturgy, I had worn one of my fingernails down to a nice scoop shape from picking at it so much. I kept staring up at the icon of Jesus, and suddenly realized that my prayer, the one asking Him to work through me as He saw best, had been answered. He’s been doing it the whole time, and here I am, fighting it because I didn’t particularly enjoy the subject matter of this article, even though it will help others. Truly, I am at peace with it now.Sometimes, I need to get out of my own way, and let God do the work that I asked him to do.

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